Earlier this week, David Stern announced that the NBA would cancel another 102 games. That is one hundred and two additional games that the What the Hell Is Icing crew will not miss as dearly as we suspected. Bob was a bit more emotional about it than the rest of the guys. Here’s his open letter to David Stern.
My Dearest Davey,
It is with a heavy heart that I write to you. I did not want it to end like this, with us estranged, barely speaking. Just the sight of you and Billy Hunter makes my stomach turn. Isn’t that crazy? I still remember a time in my life when you and the NBA made my palms sweat, my heart race, and butterflies bounce around in my belly. Now, I can’t even look at you, and it breaks my tender heart. I guess I should stop dragging this out and say it: I’ve found someone else.
That’s right, Stern; I’ve moved on. I have a new lover and she is just as sexy as the NBA. Maybe she isn’t as pretty (yes, I’m aware she has a bit of a ’stache) but she is little rougher than you were, and I sort of like that. The truth of the matter is, Davey Wavey Sugar-nuts, she cares for me in ways you never did. I refuse to lament the time we will lose together. Instead, I want you to know just how happy I am without you.
Instead of watching the NBA, here is what I will do with my November.
Grow a God damned Mustache.
It is Movember. It is the time of year when you should definitely get a plush upper-lip accessory—whether you are the self-proclaimed Minister of Mustachery, George Parros (@Stache16 ), or you’re out-mustached by Sid Crosby. However, few are as excited for Movember as Duck’s goalie Jonas Hiller, as seen by his recently unveiled masterpiece of a mask.
Normally, I am not one to partake in silly internet memes (unless that meme means I get to force my friends to chug sugar-infused girl-beers until they vomit ). The closest I usually come to partaking is shoving “plankers” off of stuff. (I call it “you-look-like-a-frigging-moron-ing.” The name needs work.) However, Davey, my first love, this new meme is something I can get behind. Intended to mock the eponymous, fundamentally unsound, overrated (yet wildly popular) Bronco’s quarterback, Tebowing consists of “kneeling down to pray, regardless of what everyone else around you is doing.” It will be the Bros Icing Bros of my November (hopefully with less vomiting).
Watching Euro-league Basketbal
Hey Davey Wavey Honey Nipples, remember that time Euroleague was putting together a better product than you? Well, that product is making guys like Brian “Ginger Ankle Snaps” Scalabrine look like a stud. Instead of listening to you and Billy Hunter squabble over who gets to make more millions, I will watch Scal, a lifetime bench warmer, whose only purpose is to throw out some fouls at the end of close games, drop 18 a night and dive on loose balls like it was a grenade in an elementary school.
Watch a Metric Shitload of Hockey
My new lover has a whole month of glorious hockey planned for me. And you know what? I’m going to love every second of it. Will you cross my mind from time to time? Of course. I would be lying if I said I didn’t cherish the time we shared. But, rest assured, most of the time when I think of you, I will mostly be thinking about how much better hockey is treating me.
So, goodbye for now my sweet Davey.This isn’t goodbye forever. Hopefully someday, maybe next year, we can run into each other and things will be different. Maybe the time apart will make me forget how badly you have wronged me. For now, I hope you can at least understand, I am happy with the NHL. So please, stop drunkenly texting me at 2am and telling me that you can change, and maybe you can even give me a full 82-game season. I know they are empty promises and they only make this hurt more. I know this hurts for both of us, but there is no need to be cruel.
Goodbye my love,