NHL Shakeup: Magic Sorting Hat Decides New Divisions

Hmm, difficult. VERY difficult. Plenty of courage, I see. Not a bad mind, either. There's talent, oh yes. And a thirst to prove yourself. But where to put you?

Now that the closely observed tradition of Movember has come to a close, the only other thing on NHL insiders’ lips is the word “realignment.” According to exclusive What the Hell is Icing sources, the realignment is a done deal and will more than likely be announced by the end of the day. Using a Quija Board and a lock of the Great One’s hair, we were able to contact the Hockey Gods and can now give you an exclusive peak at what the league will look like after the realignment and how the league got there. Most people predicted moderate moves to place Winnipeg in a more reasonable division. However, we uncovered a much larger shakeup; a shakeup that the WTHII staff find to be very pleasing.

Earlier this year, Gary Bettman was vacationing in London. While there, he sat at a train station, absent mindedly doodling his own name surrounded by tiny hearts with arrows through them. “Gary Crosby,” it read. Just then, he looked up to see a small, bespectacled child run full bore at a support column. Instead of comically crashing headlong into the post, the child disappeared as if he walked into the beam. Bettman was intrigued and tried the same thing. Long story short, Bettman ended up at Hogwarts School for Wizardry. Instead of enrolling, Bettman found something he desperately needed: a sorting hat. He immediately checked Dumbledore over a table and ran off with the hat.

According to the Sorting Hat, here are the new divisions:

GRYFFINDOR

Pittsburgh Penguins

Toronto Maple Leafs

Nashville Predators

Buffalo Sabres

AnahiemDucks

Winnipeg Jets

Calgary Flames

Dallas Stars

The Good Guys

The most popular and famous house of Hogwarts is of course Gryffindor. Gryffindor members are known for their bravery, daring, nerve, and chivalry. Teams such as the Penguins and Leafs have stars that exemplify such traits. Sidney Crosby has been nothing but brave, playing the same as he always had, even if he essentially had his head crushed in a vice last year. Kessel of the Leafs continues to impress this season, despite low expectations. Gryffindor is also classically remembered as being the house for the good guys. Any team named the Ducks or Sabres have to be a good guy. The Jets and Predators show daring by outperforming expectations this season. Finally, the Flames are made of FIRE.which is the Gryffindor element (oh, you didn’t know the houses had elements? Guess you just got out-nerded.)

HUFFLEPUFF

Columbus Blue Jackets

Edmonton Oilers

Minnesota Wild

New York Islanders

Colorado Avalanche

Florida Panthers

Ottawa Senators

The Nice Guys

Hufflepuff is known as “the house everyone always forgets exists” or “house with the most ridiculous name.” Hufflepuff is known for being inclusive and will pretty much let anyone who is loyal and works hard in. Hufflepuff will have a lot of doormat teams in it such as the Senators, Avalanche, Blue Jackets, and Islanders because of this. However, Hufflepuff isn’t all doormats. That is why the Wild land in this division. They aren’t flashy or sexy (except for Cal Clutterbuck’s mustache of course), but they sure do get the job done. Remember, Cederic Diggory was a Hufflepuff long before he was a total pussy and sparkled (we’ve never seen any of the twilight movies… promise). The Panthers and Oilers round it out as middling teams that are mostly forgettable, which is sort of Hufflepuff’s M.O.

RAVENCLAW

Tampa Bay Lightning

St. Louis Blues

Montreal Canadiens

Chicago Blackhawks

Washington Capitals

Carolina Hurricanes

Phoenix Coyotes

The Smart Guys

Ravenclaw. This hipster house values cleverness, intelligence, and wit. If you ask any Harry Potter nerd, this is the go-to for house they would like to be in (because Gryffindor is so mainstream.) Tampa Bay is the first inductee because their 1 – 3 – 1 (see: annoying) defense could be labeled by some as clever. The truth is, it works, it is legal, and it is frustrating as hell to watch. The Blackhawks make the cut for their great hockey IQ of Toews and Kane. The Blues and Habs are invited to bunk up at Ravenclaw, only for the hipster element of being Canadien and liking the Blues. Ravenclaw is also known for being enigmatic, which would be a great word to describe the season the Caps (and more notably Ovi) have been having. Enigmatic also describes what city the ‘Yotes will be in next year. The Hurricanes were let in at the last minute when the Sorting Hat said, “Eh, screw it. Hufflepuff is full.”

SLYTHERIN

Los Angeles Kings

Vancouver Canucks

Philedelphia Flyers

New Jersey Devils

Boston Bruins

Detroit Red Wings

New York Rangers

San Jose Sharks

The Bad Guys

Oh, the bad guy house. It has always seemed like a bad decision to let the Sorting Hat place all the sociopaths and ne’er-do-wells on campus into the same dorm. Even worse foresight is involved with the idea of TEACHING THEM ALL DEADLY MAGIC. Who made that decision? “Oh, this child lacks empathy and any human decency, but his father IS a pretty big donor. Let’s just throw him in Slytherin, teach him some magic and hope for the best.” – DUMBledore. Ranting aside, this house officially values ambition and resourcefulness. Apparently, it is just a plus if you are completely evil. I would put both the Sharks and the Red Wings in the resourcefulness category. Both seem to be finding ways to win. Also, any team from Detroit is going to have to be resourceful; have you ever SEEN Detroit? Any team that has a fanbase that will burn down their own g-darn city after losing deserves a spot here at Slytherin, so welcome home Canucks. The Rangers have more fights than anyone in the league which lands them a bunk with Vancouver. They better hope they don’t wake up on a burning mattress. The Bruins and the Flyers land in Slytherin on their bad guy credentials alone. The Devils are called the Devils and the Kings wear black. They will fit right in. Hmmm. Seems like the Sorting Hat is getting lazy.

This realignment comes as a shock to many in the NHL community since it seems to no longer be based on geography or even league parity.  Many argue that it was based purely on the rambling of a drunk, possibly autistic person. The league denies this accusation. Gary Bettman said, “there is no truth that we simply let some blogger get drunk and throw the teams in whatever division he saw fit. It is a disgrace to the league to even suggest such a thing. The magic talking hat is real. The Sorting Hat has never been wrong before. It is in the league’s best interest to trust the hat.”

Let us know where you think your team should have ended up in the comments!

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9 thoughts on “NHL Shakeup: Magic Sorting Hat Decides New Divisions

  1. Anonymous says:

    You must be joking – not putting the Leafs, Habs & Sens in the same division.

  2. Anonymous says:

    OMG PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE let the first Anonymous posting be real.

  3. […] Realignment idea: According to the Sorting Hat NHL Shakeup: Magic Sorting Hat Decides New Divisions What the HELL is Icing? The sorting hat from Harry Potter sorts all NHL teams into 4 divisions (Ok, Hogwarts houses). […]

  4. Anonymous says:

    The Leafs are heroes?

  5. Anonymous says:

    Q: What do you call 23 millionaires around a TV watching the Stanley Cup Finals? A: The
    Winnipeg Jets.

  6. puckinidiots says:

    I am less then excited about re-alignment.

  7. Kenton says:

    Welcome to the NHL, where every Conference is made up and the points don’t matter!

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