WTHII EXCLUSIVE: According to a medical doctor science professional, Sidney Crosby will miss upwards of 1,000 games due to this latest development. Stay tuned for more information regarding Sid Watch 2.0 as it unfolds.
As any puckhead is undoubtedly already aware, Sidney Crosby will once again be sitting out games. The Penguins announced today that their super-star will not make the road trip to Philadelphia Flyers and the New York Islanders this weekend. Penguins general manager, Ray Shero, said that Crosby was completely fine and showed no problems. The reason he is being kept off the ice: he “wasn’t feeling 100%”. Shero then accepted his award for vaguest-explanation-of-an-injury-to-a-team’s-franchise-player ever (note: this award had been previously held by Bill Belichick for the past 10 years).
In a totally real and in no way fictional interview with the WTHII staff, Crosby said, “I feel good.” He followed it up by saying, “I feel so good, so very very good,” and began to disrobe. Sensing something was amiss, WTHII consulted our staff doctor, who also is totally real and in no way fictional. Dr. Simon Zamboni (who once again is totally a real person that
consults us on totally real medical things) told the WTHII staff, “He’s totally messed up. It is my professional opinion that half his brain is just jelly now. Jellification. That is what he is suffering from. That is a real medical term.” Dr. Zamboni then illustrated the point by taking a scoop of grape jelly and plopping it on his desk. “Like that, but less purple. Well, actually, a very similar purple.” When asked how many games Sidney Crosby would miss due to this “jellification” Dr. Zamboni did not mince words. “He will miss 100, maybe even 1,000 games.”
More on this story to come.